I returned home in 1974, entered college, and got married to
Cindy in the LA Temple in November 1975. I was very active in the little church
branch where the college was located.
In 1978 I was quite surprised to learn that the brethren had decided to ordain
blacks to the priesthood. I was not disturbed that blacks could not serve in the
church as priesthood holders, but disturbed because Brigham Young (BY) prophesied that the
blacks would never hold the priesthood until after Christ came at His second coming.
This was the first evidence to me of conflicting doctrines given by general authorities of
the church that were supposedly revelations from God. This also brought to memory
those conflicting doctrines that were minimized by the institute director, while on my
mission. Even though this bothered me, I stayed active and began to pray and study
harder for personal understanding.
The following years were spent in reading church books and the standard works
to resolve these conflicts. The more I studied and read, the more questions arose
and less answers were available. In 1985, I told Cindy there were many issues in the
church which concerned me. This upset her greatly because she was taught in Relief
Society that doubts could sometimes be the symptom of a greater personal sin such as
infidelity. Even though Cindy knew I had always been faithful to her, she was
extremely bothered that I questioned the church and lacked a strong testimony.
Whenever we argued, it was always about my lukewarm testimony compared to those other
"spiritual" priesthood holders in the ward and my own testimony before 1978.
Cindy had grabbed hold of the "romantic" notions of the eternal
family doctrine because she was raised in a very bad family and was looking for a method
of having a better family of her own. As a convert she was sure the church had the
true family system. Consequently, Cindy was not tolerant of my doubts, so once again
I suppressed them & plead "insanity." Continuing on, I studied and
remained active while serving in various callings such as, the Young Men's program; the
Bishopric; Sunday School; assistant institute teacher; seminary teacher; and an advisor to
the High Priests. I loved reading everything on Joseph Smith and gave firesides to
the youth, giving spiritual and funny events of his life. I even named my first born
son after the prophet Joseph.
In 1990 the temple rituals were changed. Now my wife saw the political
changes for the first time. Sure I noticed the big changes such as the penalties
being dropped etc., but I already knew it was a joke. She noticed the subtleties I
would have never noticed without her help. Things like, in the pre-1990 version, Eve
always looked to Adam for her guidance. In the 1990 version, Eve also looked to heaven
& even spoke more. That alone was a major doctrinal shift if one knew the
control the organization exercised over women and still does today with its romantic
families are forever nonsense.
In 1992 Cindy went to her alma mater to BYU Education week. I could not
go due to work constraints.
She attended a variety of lectures and came home uplifted and said what a
spiritual experience it was. Cindy went on how she desired me to go the following
year because she felt strongly it would have a positive effect on me and my testimony.
So in the summer of 1993, I accepted her challenge and drove to Utah with my
two daughters, who were 15 and 17 years old at the time. When I attended a lecture
on Joseph Smith (JS), the professor gave an anecdote about Joseph's life that disturbed me
deeply. The experience was about an entry in Willard Richards diary. Bro.
Richards was telling of a time when he and Joseph were leaving the Mansion house to go to
the church office. The diary entry stated how Joseph's faithful wife, Emma, asked
Joseph if he was practicing Plural Marriage. The diary then told that Joseph
answered "No." After they left the Mansion House and walking to their
office, Bro. Richards asked Joseph why he had lied to Emma. Joseph said Emma would
never accept polygamy and he would have to go to Hell to save her. The audience was
so impressed that Joseph had the power over hell as "The prophet of the
restoration", and that he loved his wife so much as to go to hell to save her soul.
I could not believe my ears! Did I miss something? If I remember
correctly, didn't 2Nephi 9:34 say "Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to
hell"? This was the last straw. I had two daughters on this campus and my
wife at home, who's own self esteem was becoming co-dependent on the Brethren and the
romance of their evil doctrines.
I did not attend many more sessions of education week. Instead I went to
the BYU bookstore, BYU library, Deseret Bookstores, and the Deseret News. I
confronted the BYU History Professor, Susan Easton Black, and asked her about the four
versions of JS's first vision. She said she could not answer it and told me to
consult Dean Jesse, the Seventy over church history in Salt Lake. I asked her about
one of her self professed specialties, which was Mormons and Masonry. Before I asked
my questions on Masonry, I asked about her background on the subject. Here I was
seeking answers and Susan, the self professed expert, who had written on the subject and
had a Ph.d. in History, said she had only read Mormonism and Masonry by
McGavin. She did not know about the Catholic Monastic Templars that had preceded the
Free Masons of 1314. She still believed that the temple rituals of Masonry and
Mormonism where based on Solomon's Temple. Little did she know that the temple
rights were secret codes used during the crusades by those Catholic Templars to determine
who was friend or foe. Similarly, military engagement codes are used by today's
allies to identify each other during tactical maneuvers. And she is supposed to be
the expert of BYU, and the only source she had was reading one book authored by a
Mormon. If this is research, give me a break!
Following the advice of Susan (since she couldn't explain why JS had 4
different versions of the first vision), I called Dean Jesse to see if he could give me an
answer. He avoided the discussion over the phone, but said he would mail me a
pamphlet on the subject. I received the pamphlet, A Sure Foundation - Answers to
Difficult Gospel Questions. On page 169 it said the four versions of Joseph
Smith's first vision could be compared to the four separate testimonies of Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John of Christ. I had been on the debate team in college and had also been
to court many times due to my profession, and this was the most stupid analogy I had ever
heard in my life. The Bible had four different individual's testimony, which all
agreed on the identity of Jesus Christ, His life and teachings. JS gave four
different testimonies of the same event that did not agree on any material issue. In
fact, any fair court on earth or in heaven, would deem JS a liar. Wake up, Bro.
Jesse! What is really interesting on this issue is that Oliver Cowdery (who had been
living with JS and Emma in those early years), had written a letter to encourage Brigham
Young and his brothers to come and meet the prophet. In that letter, Oliver said
that JS told him in his first vision it was Nephi that delivered the message and told
Joseph to join none of the other churches. It wasn't until 1838 (6 years later) that
the story had evolved to the point that the "Heavenly Personage" was none other
than Christ and God the Father.
Next my research took me to Deseret News where I obtained a copy from the
original newspaper of many of the Adam-God discourses written by Brigham Young (BY).
I was told by my last Bishop and the institute director (on my mission) that BY was
misquoted. Now, does anyone think that BY, who had an authoritarian personality like
Sudam Hussein, would let his newspaper misquote him? If anyone reads one page of BY
in the Journal of Discourses, one would know that nobody crossed Bro. Brigham, so
I doubt the newspaper would misquote a handwritten document of BY. If they had,
there would have been some evidence of a retraction by the newspaper shortly
thereafter. The reason why there never was any retraction, is because BY loved the
Adam-God Doctrine. In the newspaper, a sermon by Brigham Young, dated June 14, 1873,
Brigham Young said, (to paraphrase), that God had revealed to him, that Adam was our
Father and God, and that he was the literal Father of Jesus Christ.
I had read the book The Great Apostasy by James E. Talmage while on my
mission. As I researched Mormonism it brought back to my mind the discoveries of
Talmage about Catholic history: its deceit, its revisions of history, and its control of
its ignorant and faithful masses. The very thing Talmage had criticized about
Catholicism, the church had been doing since its beginning, too.
Driving home from BYU, I was still studying and pondering the above issues
(unknown to my daughters). The girls were oblivious as to what was going on in my
heart. They were so excited about BYU education week, the things they had learned,
and the boys they had met. We even stopped in Nauvoo .
On the long drive home I shed many tears as the evidence grew showing the
deceit and manipulation of the brethren in Salt Lake. I also worried how Cindy would
accept the information I would confront her with and wondered if this would break up our
marriage and ruin our family. I could only depend on God because Cindy had known
that I was only seeking truth, not power or inactivity. Cindy asked me to do one
thing when I left for BYU Education Week and that was not to come home lukewarm about my
testimony.
When I arrived home Cindy wanted to know how everything went. I said
fine, but I was continuing to read many of the church books I bought at the BYU bookstore
while there. The final blow came when I read the life of Orin Porter Rockwell, whom
I loved to read about. In the account, Porter told his wife that he had shot
Governor Boggs of Missouri. He told her all the facts and that is why the brethren
kept Joseph and Porter confined within the city limits of Nauvoo to protect them from the
mobs and extradition to Missouri. Well, I put that book down and went downstairs to
my library and took out the book The Life of Joseph Smith, The Prophet by George
Q. Cannon, an "apostle of God." In this book, Bro. Cannon said the
accusations from the people of Missouri, that a Mormon had shot Governor Boggs, was not
true. Instead, he wrote that Gov. Boggs was shot by an enemy of the church to
increase the persecution of the saints. Well here is another candidate for hell who
was also a "profit," seer, and revelator. I could not stop there, so I
called Sister Susan Easton Black in Utah, to see if this history was correct. I
asked her specifically, "Do you think Porter Rockwell shot Gov. Boggs?"
She said "Yes, I believe so." My heart sank. I had been up every
night until early hours reading for about two weeks. Cindy was concerned, but was
not sure what to think. After the Rockwell issue had surfaced I could not keep it
in.
I couldn't understand why my father didn't research before joining the
church. He was well liked by the local brethren and people, yet I wondered why I had
never seen him in humble prayer. I thought again about the manipulation my daughters
would go through when they took the oaths and covenants. I remembered my wife's
efforts to relate to God as a second class citizen. Her fate was to be sealed in a
group to some man who did not know her heart like I did, if I did not keep straight on the
path. This drove her to extreme insecurity as I questioned. All she could
remember was Eve looking to Adam for her place in the Celestial Kingdom. She was
killing herself to be perfect and to keep me perfect, so I could be worthy to take her and
the kids back "To our home in the sky." That alone is why Mormonism is
wicked. I did not want this for my girls.
Then I thought about my sons and their desire to be like Dad; to be totally
worthy to serve a mission and go marry in the Temple. What about their potential
heartache when they returned home after a mission, only to find me inactive. Worse
would be the possibility in their adulthood of having a family of their own, and
discovering what I now knew, disrupting their own family's life. Finding out the
hidden lies and not knowing what to do or where to go because of the guilt one feels for
doubting, then leaving when so entrenched in this bizarre "Fraternity." I
could not do to my sons what my father did to me.
I decided to present my case to Cindy and prayed that she would be
receptive. I was prepared to leave the church alone, but I did not want to lose her
and the children, as threatened twelve years earlier. She could go to church if she
was not convinced, but I refused to ever go back since I could not support a lie. I
had to do this so my children would see my convictions.
One evening I called Cindy into my study. I began to weep as I presented
the awful facts before her. She listened and wept too. It took hours to
present. When I was finished, to my dismay, she wanted to talk to the Bishop to try
to find answers. Of course being a fair debater, I could only acquiesce.
The Bishop was BIG TIME concerned! Here was his assistant advisor to the
High Priests asking questions he could not answer. There were other considerations,
too. I was the CPA for many members of the church and long time friends to most of
them. One of the children had performed as Annie in the Annie Play in Atlanta
Theaters, she also sang at the Hawks Games. The other children had performed on
radio, and on TV Commercials. In addition, he had set up a youth fireside for me to
do a JS act. I am sure he was concerned about our salvation most of all. He
tried to help answer Cindy questions. He brought up our oldest daughter's personal
problems to remind Cindy that our daughter's salvation depended on forgiveness by the
church. Cindy brought all these issues back with her. She asked me to go with
her to talk to the Bishop because she could not remember all the questions. I
consented because this was her time to search.
The bishop could not answer the issues so he arranged an interview with the
Stake President "Gibby." Gibby was the Bishops senior (ex-military) pilot
at Delta. He was from Provo and the "anti-mormon nemesis." This
encounter was not something I looked forward too. But I was a debater from college
so I was confident I could plead my case in a logical manner. If he could help me
find truth, I was willing. Particularly since Cindy was going to come, as was the
Bishop.
I was working late so we arranged to meet at the Stake Center at 10 o'clock
a.m. The Bishop escorted Cindy and I to the office. Cindy was nervous, as was
I. Gibby had the Bishop open the meeting with prayer. The Bishop sat to my
right and Cindy to my left and Gibby in front. Then he opened with the general
question of "What's the problem?" I stated that the issues at hand were:
1) plural marriage and Joseph's promiscuity before the revelation,
2) the four versions of first vision,
3) the proof that the Book of Abraham was not only translated incorrectly, it
was also 2000 years out of sync with history,
4) Brigham Young's Adam God doctrine,
5) the Blood Atonement doctrine.
I am not going to go into the evidence or arguments except to say #3 was the
least researched and Gibby shut me down on that one, because he brought up one fellow's
(Nelson) credibility -- issues for which I had no counter argument at the
time. I had not read the book By His Own Hand upon Papyrus by C.M. Larson
at that time. Please remember that all of my research was from material within the
church except for item #3. It was only a side issue at the time. It is a
primary weakness for the church as I found out later.
During the discussion I asked Gibby if I could bring out my evidence so we
could look at the specifics. To my surprise he said "No." He said
that he did not bring his papers so I could not bring out mine. I said "Well,
you asked for this meeting; do you not care to get to the specific problems and what
created them?" He simply said we could discuss them anyway. So we
began. We began with plural marriage. My questions were to the point.
His answers were directed to my wife. He would never look at me as he answered any
question. He went on a diatribe about how he was from a fine Utah Polygamy family
and how his grandmother was so faithful even when she was refused a space in the main
house by the first wife.
He went on to tell how his grandmother had to get money from her own uncle to
feed her children because the first wife would not allow the husband to give money to feed
his "illegitimate" children. In spite of those trials the Gibby is the
best Mormon stock. I was not sure if he was against me or for me. He was not
helping his case with my wife because I knew my wife hated polygamy and now he was giving
her another reason to hate it.
The discussion went on for about 2 hours. Since he had no facts to
confront my questions, he finally looked into my wife's eyes and said "If you
continue in this direction, you will lose your family forever and you will be divorced in
two years." I was angry. He had cut me off several times during our
discussion telling me not to interrupt him when I was only trying to stay with facts not
stories and feelings. I apologized each time to my "superior" to let him
talk on as he sank his own ship. But now with his comment to my wife, he had hit her
where she was most vulnerable: her "eternal" family. I controlled my
temper and was polite. I asked no more questions. The rhetoric was winding
down for the defense and I was ready to go. He finished as before speaking to
Cindy. Then the good old missionary trick "ask the most receptive party on the
offense to give a sincere closing prayer and ask God that truth be revealed to each one
there." Then he added the final salvo that would eventually seal his case in
defeat.
My wife was holding on to an experience that consisted of a shocking feeling
she had felt when she was 18 and she had prayed about the church, as the missionaries had
asked her to do. Now Gibby said, looking at Cindy, "Don't trust your
feelings," (yea, right) "that burning in the bosom in D&C Section 9 is for
translation purposes only. Pray for truth." (Boy, even I had not heard
that argument before.) He was afraid she would be influenced by me and he wanted to
nip that problem in the bud, before she prayed. However, he forgot that she can read
and she can reason without me.
She was still caught in the emotions of the meeting and said a sincere prayer
and wept as she exposed her vulnerable heart and the insecurities Gibby had laid wide
open. I did not cry because I was so angry at the manipulation.
As we left together, Cindy was quiet. I walked her to her car. She
had driven from her nursing course at college in a separate car. I said quietly to
her, "Cindy I think I lost you in there." She looked at me with tears in
her eyes and said "But it is so beautiful." I said, "It seems that
way. I wish I had recorded the meeting so you could review it on your own. You
could hear that he never answered the facts that were mentioned, such as the doctrinal
changes, JS's promiscuity before the Everlasting Covenant of Marriage was revealed, the
fact certain sins are not covered by Christ's atonement, the statement that JS said that
he was greater than Christ, the fact JS sounds more like David Koresh than Samuel, a real
prophet. He only spoke to you and pulled your heart strings."
To my surprise she turned to me and said she had taped it. I could not
believe it. She had her little recorder she used in college on in her pocket the
whole time. I told her I did not want to hear it. I said, however, that she
should listen to it by herself and remember the evidence he would not allow me to show and
to listen to the answers to the issues he had given or failed to give. She said she
had taped it really to use against me to keep me on the "straight path" if the
answers from Gibby were conclusive. I told her that was OK by me if she believed
Gibby was correct.
I did not talk to Cindy about that night for two weeks. She finally came
to me one evening and said, "Bill, I am ready to leave; where do we go from
here?" I simply said, "I don't know, but for now away from
Mormonism."
I hope this experience will help anyone like you have helped me. I know
it was long but it has been bottled for a long time. I would be glad to tell the
excommunication, or post Mormon experience, if anyone is interested upon request. I
pray for you all and I know it is hard but worth it.
