My experience shows the power which error can have over a
person. I am amazed that I was held there so long, after my better judgment was
convinced that it was an error. I propose to tell the simple facts, just as they
were.
I was born in Kinderhook, Michigan, Sept. 22, 1840. I was converted among the
Methodists under the labors of Rev. Hazzard, and baptized by him in 1858. I soon
heard Elder and Mrs. White. He preached on the Sabbath, and I thought he proved that
the seventh day was still binding.
As I wanted to do right I began keeping Saturday, but I did not expect to believe any
more of their doctrine. Of course I attended their meetings on Saturday and worked
on Sunday. This separated me from other Christians, and threw me wholly with the
Adventists. I soon learned from them that other churches were Babylon; that
Seventh-day Adventists were the one true people of God. They believed in Mr.
Miller's work of 1844, in the visions of Mrs. White, the sleep of the dead, feet washing,
etc. At first these things staggered me; but the Adventists explained everything so
plausibly and so smoothed them over that I began to see things as they did and in time
came to believe the whole system. Persuaded that time was short, I gave up going to
school, dropped the study of all else, devoured their books, and studied my Bible day and
night to sustain these new views. I was now an enthusiastic believer, and longed to
convert everybody I met. I had not a doubt that it was true.
In May, 1864, I was licensed to preach. Soon began with Elder Van Horn at Ithaca,
Michigan. We had good success; raised up three companies that year. In 1865
worked in Tuscola county, and had excellent success. Was ordained by Elder White
that year. As I now began to see more of Elder White and wife, and the work at
headquarters, I learned that there was much trouble with him. I saw that he ruled
everything, and that all greatly feared him. I saw that he was often cross and
unreasonable. This troubled me a little, but not seriously. In 1866 I was sent
to Maine with J. N. Andrews. This was a big thing for me. I threw myself into
the work with enthusiasm, and was very happy. Elder Andrews was radical in the
faith, and I partook of his spirit. We had excellent success.
I returned to Battle Creek in 1867. At this time there was great trouble with
Elder White, and many church meetings were held to investigate the matter. It was
clear that he was wrong, but Mrs. White in her Testimonies sustained him and blamed the
church. Andrews and a few proposed to stand up for the right and take the
consequences. My sympathies were with them; but others feared, and finally all
wilted and confessed that they had been blinded by Satan. This was signed by the
ministers, and adopted by the church. (Testimonies, Vol. 1, p. 612.)
This shook my faith a good deal, and I began to question Mrs. White's inspiration. I
saw that her revelations always favored Elder White and herself. Any who questioned
their course soon received a revelation denouncing him with the wrath of God.
I dared not open my mind to a soul. I was only a youth, and had little
experience. Older and stronger men had broken down and confessed. What could I
do? I said nothing, but felt terribly. Shortly I was back in the field.
Busy with my work, preaching our doctrine, and surrounded with men who firmly believed it,
I soon got over my doubts.
In 1868 I went to Massachusetts. Being away from the troubles at headquarters, I
got on finely. But in May, 1869, I was in Battle Creek for a month. Things
were in bad shape. Elder White was in trouble with most the leading men, and they
with him. He was the real cause of it, but Mrs. White sustained him and that settled
it. They were God's chosen leaders, and not to be meddled with. I felt
sad. I was working hard to get men into "the truth"; to persuade them that
this was a people free from the faults of the other churches; then to see such a state of
things among the leaders disheartened me greatly. So far, I had had no trouble with
any one, and Elder White had been cordial to me. But I saw that if I ever came to be
of any prominence in the work I should have to expect the same treatment from him that all
the others got.
I had been so thoroughly drilled in Adventist doctrine that I firmly believed it was
what the Bible taught. To give up the SDA faith, I thought, was to give up the
Bible. Hence I swallowed my doubts and went on. That year I went to Iowa to
work, where I remained four years, laboring with Elder Butler, who later became the
General Conference president. We had good success and raised up several
churches. I finally opened my mind to Elder Butler, and told him my fears. I
knew these things troubled him as well as myself, for we often spoke of them. He
helped me some, and again I gathered courage and went on, feeling better. Still, I
came to see more and more that somehow the thing did not work as it ought. Wherever
Elder White and wife went they were always in trouble with the brethren, and the best
ones, too. I came to dread having them come where I was, for I knew there would be
trouble with someone or something and it never failed of so being. I saw church
after church split up by them, the best brethren discouraged and maddened and driven off,
while I was compelled to apologise for them continually. For years about this time,
the main business at our big meetings was to listen to the complaints of Elder White
against his brethren. Not a leading man escaped: Andrews, Waggoner, Smith,
Loughborough, Amadon, Cornell, Aldrich, and a host of others had to take their turn at
being broken on the wheel. For hours at a time, and times without number, I sat in
meetings and heard Elder White and wife denounce these men, till I felt there was little
manhood left in them. It violated my ideas of right and justice, and stirred my
indignation. Yet whatever vote was asked by Elder White, we voted it unanimously, I
with the rest. Then I would go out alone and hate myself for my cowardice, and
despise my brethren for their weakness.
Elder and Mrs. White ran and ruled everything. Not a nomination to office, not a
resolution, not an item of business was ever acted upon till all had been submitted to
Elder White for his approval. Till years later, we never saw an opposition vote on
any question, for no one dared. The will of Elder White settled everything. If
any one dared to oppose anything, however humbly, Elder White or wife quickly squelched
him.
These, with other things, threw me into doubt and tempted me to quit the work. I
saw able ministers and valuable men leave us because they would not stand such
treatment. I envied the faith and confidence of brethren who went on ignorant of all
this, supposing that Battle Creek was a little heaven on earth, when in fact it was as
near purgatory as anything I could imagine.
In 1872 I went to Minnesota, where I had good success. By this time I had written
much, and so was well known to our people. In July, 1873, my wife and I went to
Colorado with Elder White and wife, to spend time in the mountains. I soon found
things unpleasant living in the family. Now my turn had come to catch it, but
instead of knuckling under, as most the others had, I told the Elder my mind freely.
That brought us into an open rupture. Mrs. White heard it all, but said
nothing. In a few days she had a long written testimony for my wife and me. It
justified her husband in everything, and placed us as rebels against God, with no hope of
heaven except by a full surrender to them. My wife and I read it many times with
tears and prayers; but could see no way to reconcile it with truth. It contained
many statements we knew were false. We saw that it was dictated by a spirit of
retaliation, a determination to break our wills. For awhile we were in great
perplexity, but still my confidence in much of the doctrine and my fear of going wrong
held me; but for weeks I was miserable, not knowing what to do. I preached awhile in
Colorado and then went to California, where I worked with my hands for three months,
trying to settle what to do. Elder Butler, Smith, White and others wrote to us, and
tried to reconcile us to the work. Not knowing what else to do, I finally decided to
forget my objections, and go along as before. So we confessed to Elder White all we
could, and he generously forgave us! But from that time on my faith in the
inspiration of Mrs. White was weak. Elder White was very friendly to me again after
that.
Now the Adventists say that I left them five times, and this is one of the five.
This is untrue. I simply stopped preaching for a few weeks, but did not withdraw
from the church or renounce the faith. If this is leaving them, then most their
leading men have left them, for they all have had their periods of trial when they left
the work awhile. About 1856, J. N. Andrews and J. N. Loughborough left the work and
went into business at Waukon, Iowa. Elder Butler, for many years the General
Conference President, got into trial with his brethren, and practically out of the
work. He was a humble good man, with a strong sense of fairness. Elder White
became jealous of him. Later Mrs. White turned against him and required a servile
submission which he would not make. Said when he could not be an Adventist and a
man, he would be a man. He went to Florida to work a small farm. Uriah Smith
also had his seasons of doubts, when he engaged in secular employments.
In 1874 Elder White arranged a debate between Miles Grant of Boston and one of our
ministers. Though Elder White and wife, Elder Cornell and Elder Loughborough were
there, they selected myself to defend our side, which I did for about a week. I
mention this to show the confidence they had in me, though I had been in so great a trial
but a few months before.
In 1875 we returned to Michigan. Elder Butler was now out with Elder White, who
took every opportunity to snub him; but I was in high favor, was sent to the state
meetings in Vermont, Kansas, Ohio, and Indiana. With Elder Smith, was sent as
delegate to the Seventh Day Baptist General Conference. In 1876 I was sent to
Minnesota, then to Texas, and through the southern states, to look after our interests
there. Each year greater responsibilities were laid upon me. That year I
raised up a church at Rome, N.Y., and labored over the State. Went with Elder White
and wife to Indiana and Illinois, and was sent to Kansas to hold a debate, and to Missouri
for the same purpose. This same year I was elected to the General Conference
Committee of three, with Elders White and Haskell, and continued on it for two
years. It is the denomination's highest official authority.
In 1877 I went to New England, where I raised up two churches. I spent 1878
working in Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Colorado, and
Ohio. In the fall I was elected president of the Ohio Conference. In 1879 I
labored in Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, and Tennessee. At the general
conference at Battle Creek in the fall, things were in a bad shape. Elder White was
cross, and Mrs. White bore down heavily on several ministers. Harshness,
fault-finding and trials were the order of the day. I felt that there was little of
the spirit of Christ. I got away as quickly as possible. I saw more and more
that instead of meekness, gentleness and love among brethren, the result of our work was a
spirit of oppression, criticism, and dissension. For the next whole year these
feelings grew upon me, till I began to fear we were doing more harm than good. My
work called me among old churches where I could see the fruit of it. Churches that
had once been large and flourishing were in a quarrel, or cold and dead. I lost
heart to raise up more churches to go the same way. One day I would decide to quit
them entirely, and the next day I would resolve to go on and do the best I could. I
never suffered more mental anguish in my life. I labored that year in New York,
Pennsylvania, Illinois, Michigan and Ohio.
In the fall of 1880 I resolved to leave and go with some other church. I was
president of the Ohio Conference, and our annual meeting was at Clyde, Ohio. Elder
and Mrs. White were there. My mind was made up to leave them as soon as the meeting
was over. Against my protest they reelected me president. Mrs. White urged it.
Though her special claim is to reveal hidden wrongs in the church, she said I was
just the man for the job. I was all right so far as she knew. The next week I
resigned, and wrote Elder White that I would go with them no longer. Mrs. White then
sent me a written revelation, denouncing me as a child of hell and one of the wickedest of
men, though two weeks earlier she thought me fit to be president of a conference!
For three months I taught elocution. I knew not what to do. I talked with
ministers of other churches, but they did not seem to know how to help me. I could
settle on nothing. Finally I met my present wife, who was an Adventist. Then I
had a long talk with Elder Butler, Elder White, Mrs. White and others, and was persuaded
that things were not as I had imagined. They said I was led by Satan, and would go
to ruin. The influence of old friends, associations, habits and long cultivated
ideas came up and were too strong for my better judgment. I yielded, and resolved
again to live and die with them.
Early in 1881 I went with Elder White to New York. By this time he had lost the
leadership of the people. Butler and Haskell had taken his place, hence he was
hostile to them, working against them, and planning to get them out and get back in.
He wished me to work with him against them, saying that we would then be on the General
Conference Committee together. He had good grounds to oppose Haskell, who was a
crafty underhanded man. Elder White wrote me: "February 11, 1881: I wish Elder
Haskell were an open, frank man, so I need not watch him." Again: "May 24,
1881: Elders Butler and Haskell have had an influence over her [Mrs. White] that I hope to
see broken. It has nearly ruined her." I could give much more to show how
little confidence the church leaders had in each other.
I wrote Elder White that I could not unite with him nor work with him. July 13,
1881, he wrote me: "I have repeatedly abused you, and if you go to destruction, where
many, to say the least, are willing you should go, I should ever feel that I had taken a
part in your destruction. * * * I do not see how any man can labor with
me." Soon after this he died. I have no doubt that Elder White persuaded
himself that he was called of God to be a leader. He had some excellent qualities,
and meant to be a Christian. But his desire to rule and run everything, together
with an irritable temper, kept him always in trouble with someone. No one could work
with him for long in peace. Elder Butler said his death was providential to save the
body from a rupture. Mrs. White was so offended at this remark that for a long while
she would not even talk with Butler, although he was officially the head of the
church. All these things helped me to see that I was being led by selfish ambitious
people, who were poor examples of religious reformers.
That year I labored in Canada, Vermont, Maine, New England and Michigan, and was
elected to the State Executive Committee of Michigan. But I was unhappy; I could not
get over my doubts; I had no heart in the work. Several leading ministers in the
State felt about the same. I then decided to drop out of the ministry and go to
farming. This I did for two years, but retained my membership with the church and
worked right along with them. But I was in purgatory the whole time, trying to
believe what I could not. Yet I wasn't settled on any other church, and feared I
might go wrong, and so stood still. In the fall of 1884, Elder Butler, my old
friend, made a great effort to get me reconciled and back at work again. He wrote me
several times, finally telegraphed me and paid my fare to a camp meeting. Here I met
old friends and associations, tried to see things as favorably as possible, heard
explanations, etc., till at last I yielded again. I was sick of an undecided
position. I thought I could do some good here anyway; all my friends were here, I
believed much of the doctrine still, and feared if I left them I might go to ruin. I
resolved to swallow my doubts, believe the whole thing, and stay with them for better or
for worse. So I made a strong confession, of which I was ashamed before it was cold.
Was I satisfied? No. In my heart I was ashamed of myself, but tried to feel
that it was not so. Soon I felt better, because I had decided. Gradually my
faith came back, till I again really felt strong in the whole doctrine, and had no idea I
should ever leave it again. I was sent to attend large meetings in Pennsylvania, New
York, Minnesota, Iowa, and New England; assisted in revival meetings in Battle Creek; was
appointed with Elder Butler to instruct the ministers on how to labor for souls; conducted
a similar course in the Academy at South Lancaster, Massachusetts; was at the state
meetings in New York, Michigan, Indiana and Ohio. In the spring of 1886 was
appointed to lecture to the theology class in Battle Creek College, and Associate Editor
of the Sickle.
By my appeal, an effort was made to bring our ministers to some plan of study in which
they were deficient. I was on the committee to arrange this. I selected the
studies, and framed the questions by which they were to be examined. I was then
furnished a shorthand reporter, and in the summer was sent to ten states; namely, Ohio,
Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Colorado, Iowa, Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota and
Michigan, to attend state conferences, examine ministers, report meetings, etc., and this
I did. In our conflict with the Disciples at Des Moines, Iowa, it was agreed that
each side should select a representative and hold a debate on the Sabbath question.
They selected Professor Dungan of Drake University; our people selected me. I made
every effort to be ready, and that preparation did much to convince me of the unsoundness
of some of our positions. That fall, a division occurred between our leading men
over the law in Galatians. One party held it was the ceremonial law, the other the
moral law: a square contradiction. After a long and heated discussion the conference
closed, each party as confident as before. Nor was this the only disagreement over
doctrine. This with other things brought up my old feelings of doubt, and decided me
that it was time for me to examine for myself, and not be led by persons who could not
agree among themselves.
I then used every minute I could to examine the evidence on the Sabbath, the law, the
sanctuary and the visions, till I knew they were untrue. Then I laid the matter
before the leading men at Battle Creek, resigned the positions I held, and asked to leave
the church. This was the first and only time I ever withdrew; nor during my
twenty-eight years with them had any charge ever been made against me. As soon as I
took my stand, a great burden rolled off. I felt like a new man. At last I was
free.
My doubts of it did not come to me all at once and clearly. The evidence
accumulated year by year, till at last it overbalanced the doctrine, and then I abandoned
it.
Adventists say that because I left them for the Baptists I am an apostate. If to
change one's opinion and join another church makes a person an apostate, then half their
members are apostates for they have come to the Adventists from other churches.
Again, they praise the book Fifty Years in Rome, by a former Catholic. His
high standing and long experience in that church they say make his book invaluable.
But they say that my own high standing and long experience with them only proves that I am
a hypocrite.
Suppose I had been an office-seeking man, caring more for place and position than for
truth and conscience, what would I have done? I would have gone right along,
pretending to be firm in the faith. But instead, time and again I went to the
leading men, and told them my doubts. Let candid men judge of my motives.
The day I left them I held the following positions: Was their teacher of theology
in the college at Battle Creek; was associate editor of the Gospel Sickle; was
writing the lessons for all their Sabbath Schools; had charge of eighteen churches in
Michigan; was member of the Executive Committee of the Michigan State Sabbath School
Association; was chairman of the International Sabbath School Association; was on nine
committees . . .
I was getting higher pay than ever, the leading men were my warm personal
friends. Had I desired office, or better position, all I had to do was to go right
along and positions would come to me faster than I could fill them. But if I left
them, where could I go? What could I do? How even make a living? I took
this all in, and it required all the courage and faith in God I could muster to take the
risk.
It cost me a terrible struggle and a great sacrifice, for in doing it I had to leave my
life-long friends, the whole work of my life, the means of my support, every position I
held. I had to begin life anew, among strangers, uncertain where to go or what to
do. No one who has not tried it can begin to realize the struggle it requires.
Anyone of fairness can see that if my motive was self-interest I would have stayed.
Yet, as soon as I did leave them, though I went out quietly and peaceably, and even
spoke favorably of them, they immediately attributed to me all sorts of evil motives and
ambitious designs.